Morris: “Here, Mommy, try some of my pie.”
Me: “Mmmm… it is pretty yummy.”
Morris: “Why you’d say pretty?”
Me: “Because it’s yummy, and… well… um… you’re right. I didn’t need to include the ‘pretty.’ I should have just said yummy.”
Morris nods. “Then you can say, YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY!”
Morris: “Mom, what would you do if I pooped on the roof of a house?”
Me: “I’d make you clean it up.”
Morris: “Would you hold me?”
Me: “Nope.”
Morris: “But what if I fell?”
Me: “If you didn’t fall while pooping, I guess you wouldn’t fall while cleaning it up.”
Morris: “But it’s a long way down!”
Me: “Guess you should have thought of that before you went poop up there.”
Morris: “What if I pooped on the roof of a car?”
Me: “I’d still make you clean it up.”
Morris: “What if the car was moving? I’d go roll roll roll splat in the middle of the street. And blood would be everywhere.”
Milo: “Then she’d be REALLY mad at you.”
Morris, watching Milo play a new video game: “What… the… duck?”
Morris, standing in the doorway and waving as his grandparents leave to go home after their visit: “Goodbye! I hope you get coal in your stocking!”
Milo: “Mommy, do you think I only care about myself?”
Me: “No! I think you care about Morris, and me, and Daddy, and your grandparents, and your friends. I think you hold a lot of people in your heart.”
Milo: “Well, that’s true, but can you guess what else I like?”
Me: “Um, Santa?”
Milo: “Well, yeah, but that’s not what I was thinking. Guess what else I care about?”
Me: “I give up. Tell me.”
Milo: NOODLES!!!
—————
Morris: “Mommy, do you think I only care about myself?”
Me: “No! I think you also hold a lot of people in your heart.”
Morris: “You’re wrong.”
Me: “So you’re saying you do only care about yourself?”
Morris: “Yep!”
Morris, standing at the top of the stairs at 9:00 p.m.: “Mom! Dad! Moooooom!”
Rob: “Morris, what are you doing up?”
Morris: “I have to go pee.”
Rob: “Then go pee.”
Morris: “You can come up too if you want. You can come up. I SAID, you can come up if you want. I know it’s not playtime.”
Morris: “Mommy, guess what’s behind my back?”
Me: “A ball?”
Morris: “No! It has flat parts.”
Me: “A monster?”
Morris: “No! I TOLD you it has flat parts.”
Me: “A book?”
Morris: “Noooo.”
Me: “A picture?”
Morris: “Noooo.”
Me: “A piece of paper?”
Morris: “No. I’ll give you a hint. It’s white and fluffy.”
Me: “So it’s white and fluffy and flat?”
Morris: “Yep!”
… Can you guess what it was?
(Hint: Two minutes later he asks me, “Mmmphy! Gueff whap I haff i my mouf???”)
Morris: “If you eat a snail, you diiiiiiiiiie.”
Milo: “Snails can’t kill you, Morris. There’s no WAY a snail can kill you. Unless it’s a mutant snail. With arms. Holding a bazooka… and a flame thrower… and a pistol.”
Morris: “Mommy, say ‘I don’t love you.'”
Me: “Um, but I–”
Morris: “BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!”
Watch your tongue, boy -- or I WILL SMITE IT OFF.
Morris: “What is it?”
Milo: “It’s the name of the king who lives in the clouds. BUT YOU CAN’T SAY IT.”
Morris: “What is it?”
Milo: “YOU know, he’s the king of all the angels and his name starts with a G. And then there’s an O… And a D.” [Pause.] “And it’s pronounced, guh… aw… d.”
Morris: “God! Goddy Goddy God God!”
Milo: “MORRIS NOOOOOOOO!”
