Morris: “Mommy, do you know what Daddy plus Daddy equals?”
Me: “Nope.”
Morris: “Daddy plus Daddy equals Mommy! And Mommy plus Mommy equals Morris!”
Me: “I’m not sure you’ve got your figures straight.”
Morris: “And poo plus poo equals diarrhea!”
Me: “Um, I don’t think I like where this is going…”
Milo: “NO, Morris. Poo plus pee equals diarrhea. Everyone knows that!”
Milo and Morris come running into my room without their shirts on.
Milo: “Morris is Invincible Boy and I’m Invincible Man.”
Me: “I see.”
Milo shows me the missile he’s drawn on his arm. “See this? It means I’m strong and quick. Pew! Pew!”
Morris: “And I can wiggle my belly!” He starts rolling his abdominal muscles. “When I pull it back, water comes out! Sssssssh!!!”
Me: “What, out of your belly button?”
Morris nods vigorously. “And fire comes out the top part. So you’d better stay away from me!”
Me: “Oh I will, Invincible Boy. I will.”
Milo: “Dad, dad! I’ve got super awesome news!”
Rob: “What?”
Milo: “I bought a new gun! And it cost $40,000! And it’s got 30 ammo!”
Morris: “Mommy, I wish the earth was made of meat because then I would eat it all up!”
Milo: “I wish it was made of broccoli. Yeah, delicious broccoli. Yum!”
Milo: “Mommy, I have three stomachs.”
Me: “Wow. Really?”
Milo: “Uh huh. The one that only eats healthy food is totally full. The one that only eats milk is almost totally full. But the one that eats dessert is still hungry.”
Milo, singing: “Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest!”
Me: “Why? What’s in it for me?”
Milo: “Um…”
Me: “Do I get to wear a fancy dress?”
Milo: “No.”
Me: “Do I get to eat beautiful meals at a long table?”
Milo: “No.”
Me: “Do I get to dance with a handsome stranger?”
Milo: “No.”
Me: “You’re not making it very appealing, dude.”
Milo: “Well, we have toilets.”
Morris: “ROAR!!!”
Me: “Meh.”
Milo: “ROOOOAR!!!”
Me: “Meh.”
Morris: “ROOOOOOOARRRR!!!”
Me: “Meh.”
Milo: “RRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOARRRR!!!”
Me: “Meh.”
Morris, whispering: “Mew.”
Me: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!”
Both boys: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
Morris: “Mom, what would you do if I pooped on the roof of a house?”
Me: “I’d make you clean it up.”
Morris: “Would you hold me?”
Me: “Nope.”
Morris: “But what if I fell?”
Me: “If you didn’t fall while pooping, I guess you wouldn’t fall while cleaning it up.”
Morris: “But it’s a long way down!”
Me: “Guess you should have thought of that before you went poop up there.”
Morris: “What if I pooped on the roof of a car?”
Me: “I’d still make you clean it up.”
Morris: “What if the car was moving? I’d go roll roll roll splat in the middle of the street. And blood would be everywhere.”
Milo: “Then she’d be REALLY mad at you.”
Me, looking at the gingerbread house Milo made at school today: “Wow, there sure are a lot of candy bushes around your house.”
Milo: “No, those are BOMBS. If anyone tries to sneak up to the house and touches one of them they’ll explode and fly up and go into my mouth and so will the person. Hee! Hee! Hee!”
Milo: “Mommy, do you think I only care about myself?”
Me: “No! I think you care about Morris, and me, and Daddy, and your grandparents, and your friends. I think you hold a lot of people in your heart.”
Milo: “Well, that’s true, but can you guess what else I like?”
Me: “Um, Santa?”
Milo: “Well, yeah, but that’s not what I was thinking. Guess what else I care about?”
Me: “I give up. Tell me.”
Milo: NOODLES!!!
—————
Morris: “Mommy, do you think I only care about myself?”
Me: “No! I think you also hold a lot of people in your heart.”
Morris: “You’re wrong.”
Me: “So you’re saying you do only care about yourself?”
Morris: “Yep!”
