Me, looking at the gingerbread house Milo made at school today: “Wow, there sure are a lot of candy bushes around your house.”
Milo: “No, those are BOMBS. If anyone tries to sneak up to the house and touches one of them they’ll explode and fly up and go into my mouth and so will the person. Hee! Hee! Hee!”
Milo: “Mommy, do you think I only care about myself?”
Me: “No! I think you care about Morris, and me, and Daddy, and your grandparents, and your friends. I think you hold a lot of people in your heart.”
Milo: “Well, that’s true, but can you guess what else I like?”
Me: “Um, Santa?”
Milo: “Well, yeah, but that’s not what I was thinking. Guess what else I care about?”
Me: “I give up. Tell me.”
Milo: NOODLES!!!
—————
Morris: “Mommy, do you think I only care about myself?”
Me: “No! I think you also hold a lot of people in your heart.”
Morris: “You’re wrong.”
Me: “So you’re saying you do only care about yourself?”
Morris: “Yep!”
Morris, standing at the top of the stairs at 9:00 p.m.: “Mom! Dad! Moooooom!”
Rob: “Morris, what are you doing up?”
Morris: “I have to go pee.”
Rob: “Then go pee.”
Morris: “You can come up too if you want. You can come up. I SAID, you can come up if you want. I know it’s not playtime.”
Milo: “Mommy, you’re my really big action figure that I like to snuggle with.”
Morris: “Mommy, guess what’s behind my back?”
Me: “A ball?”
Morris: “No! It has flat parts.”
Me: “A monster?”
Morris: “No! I TOLD you it has flat parts.”
Me: “A book?”
Morris: “Noooo.”
Me: “A picture?”
Morris: “Noooo.”
Me: “A piece of paper?”
Morris: “No. I’ll give you a hint. It’s white and fluffy.”
Me: “So it’s white and fluffy and flat?”
Morris: “Yep!”
… Can you guess what it was?
(Hint: Two minutes later he asks me, “Mmmphy! Gueff whap I haff i my mouf???”)
Morris: “If you eat a snail, you diiiiiiiiiie.”
Milo: “Snails can’t kill you, Morris. There’s no WAY a snail can kill you. Unless it’s a mutant snail. With arms. Holding a bazooka… and a flame thrower… and a pistol.”
Morris: “Mommy, say ‘I don’t love you.'”
Me: “Um, but I–”
Morris: “BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!”
Milo (growling): And now I will torture Mommy’s lap… BY SITTING ON IT!
Watch your tongue, boy -- or I WILL SMITE IT OFF.
Morris: “What is it?”
Milo: “It’s the name of the king who lives in the clouds. BUT YOU CAN’T SAY IT.”
Morris: “What is it?”
Milo: “YOU know, he’s the king of all the angels and his name starts with a G. And then there’s an O… And a D.” [Pause.] “And it’s pronounced, guh… aw… d.”
Morris: “God! Goddy Goddy God God!”
Milo: “MORRIS NOOOOOOOO!”
Milo: “Mom, what if there was a guy who was really small and always said, ‘Waaah! Waaah!'”
Me: “I’d probably think he was a baby.”
Milo: “Yeah, but what if THIS guy was 300 years old? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?”
Me: “I’d probably say, ‘Hey dude, I wish you could talk because there are so many questions I want to ask you! Like, what was it like when you were only 5 years old, and what do you think about the changes you’ve seen over the years, and how did you get to be 300 years old? Can I be 300 years old?”
Milo: “And he’d say, ‘Waaah! Waaah! Waaah! Waaah! Waaah! Waaah!”
Me: “And I’d say, ‘Learn English, dude!'”
Milo: “And *I’d* say, ‘Mom, this guy is weird. Can I punch him in the head?'”
