Milo’s running around, brandishing a long sweet potato…
“You might think you’re going to win because you have a light saber, but *I* have a potato and it’s the most powerful weapon ever because it explodes into French fries and then THEY explode into a-TOM bombs. Boom!!!”
Morris: “Mommy, what does nyess spell?”
Me: “Um, nothing.”
Morris: “Nest is a word.”
Me: “Yep, that’s where birdies live.”
Morris: “Do Chinese people say ‘nest?'”
Me: “Sure. But they have a different word for it.”
Morris: “Maybe it’s pocka-doo-doo-diaper-bum.”
Me: “Sure. Maybe it’s pocka-doo-doo-diaper-bum.”
Morris: “Ha! ha! You said potty talk!”
Milo, singing at the top of his lungs: “I don’t know why I’m singing right now, no, I don’t know, no, I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m singing right now, no, I don’t know. Perhaps I’ll stop. I don’t know, I don’t know, la, la, laaaaaa. See my foot and let it stink! See my foot and let it stink! Yeah, yeah! See my foot and let it stink!”
He sees me watching. “What?”
Morris: “Mommy, will you play with me?”
Me: “Sure.”
He hands me a nerf gun. I pretend to shoot him with it.
Morris: “NO! We don’t shoot your chother! We’re on the same team!”
Morris: “Mommy, you want to kill Mary’s little lamb with me?”
Morris: “What’s your real name?”
Me: “Ummm… Goober Schnauben.”
Morris: “No, what’s your real name?”
Me: “Goober Schnauben.”
Morris: “No, what’s your real name?”
Me: “Goober Schnauben.”
Morris: “No, what’s your real name?”
Me: “Goober Schnauben.”
Morris: “No, what’s your real name?”
Me: “Goober Schnauben.”
Morris: “No, what’s your REAL name?”
Me: “Erin Jean Helen Whalen.”
Morris: “No, say Goober Schnauby again!”
Morris: “Mommy, do you know what Daddy plus Daddy equals?”
Me: “Nope.”
Morris: “Daddy plus Daddy equals Mommy! And Mommy plus Mommy equals Morris!”
Me: “I’m not sure you’ve got your figures straight.”
Morris: “And poo plus poo equals diarrhea!”
Me: “Um, I don’t think I like where this is going…”
Milo: “NO, Morris. Poo plus pee equals diarrhea. Everyone knows that!”
Milo and Morris come running into my room without their shirts on.
Milo: “Morris is Invincible Boy and I’m Invincible Man.”
Me: “I see.”
Milo shows me the missile he’s drawn on his arm. “See this? It means I’m strong and quick. Pew! Pew!”
Morris: “And I can wiggle my belly!” He starts rolling his abdominal muscles. “When I pull it back, water comes out! Sssssssh!!!”
Me: “What, out of your belly button?”
Morris nods vigorously. “And fire comes out the top part. So you’d better stay away from me!”
Me: “Oh I will, Invincible Boy. I will.”
Milo: “Dad, dad! I’ve got super awesome news!”
Rob: “What?”
Milo: “I bought a new gun! And it cost $40,000! And it’s got 30 ammo!”
Morris: “What’s going to work? Poopy work! What’s going to work? Poopy work!”
