Me: “… And I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev–”
Morris: “MOMMY STOP SINGING!”
Me: “Why can’t I–”
Morris: “MOMMY DON’T TALK!”
Me: “…”
Morris: “DON’T TALK!”
Me: “…”
Morris: “I said, DON’T TALK, Mommy!!!”
Me: “I’m NOT talking. I’m listening to you tell me not to talk.”
Morris: “THAT’S TALKING! I told you, Mommy, DON’T TALK!”
Morris: “Mommy, do you think it would be mean if I punched you in the face?”
Me: “Yep, I think that would be mean.”
Morris: “Okay. I’ll go back to eating then.”
Morris: “Mommy! I sworded you into pieces!”
Me: “Ouch! Now what are you going to do with all these pieces of Mommy lying around?”
Morris: “I’m going to take them and build a spaceship. Build build build build build build build build build. Look! Now I have a spaceship I can fly into outer space!”
Morris: “Once upon a time there was a guy named Bob and a guy named Sharon and they lived in a hollow rock and they got eaten by a shark. Ha! Ha! Ha!”
Milo: “Once upon a time there was a guy named Bob and a guy named Sharon and they lived in a cloud because they were pieces of rain and they fell down and their faces went splat on the ground. Ha! Ha! Ha!”
At the dinner table…
Morris holds up his clenched fist and blinks his large blue eyes at me. “Mommy, would you like a knuckle sandwich?”
Milo: “Rockabye baby, in the tree top, first I will chainsaw you, then you will die.”
Me: “Can you imagine breaking open an egg and finding an alligator inside?”
Morris: “Yeah!”
Me: “What would you do?”
Morris: “I would take it out and hug it.”
Me: “Aww, that would be so cute.”
Morris: “Then I would take off its head and pants. HA HA HA!”
Me: “Okay, now that wouldn’t be so cute.”
Morris rolls his eyes. “I just pretending, Mom.”
Milo, pointing his fork at me at the dinner table: “Ultra-power level blaster! Pew pew pew!”
I pretend to die.
Milo: “You’re alive!”
I open my eyes.
Morris: “You’re dead.”
I close my eyes.
Milo: “You’re alive!”
I open my eyes.
Morris: “You’re dead.”
I close my eyes.
Milo: “ALIVE!”
I open my eyes.
Morris: “DEAD!”
I close my eyes.
Milo: “ALIVE!!!”
I open my eyes.
Morris: “DEAD!!!”
Me: “Ouch! Too much shouting! I don’t want to play this game any more, it’s hurting my ears.”
Milo: “I was just trying to get you to eat your lasagna.”
Morris: “Yeah, missy! Eat your dinner!”
Milo: “Mom, if someone ever kills you make sure you keep your eyes open because that will look really creepy and I’ll say, ‘Aaaagh! That’s really creepy!'”
