Milo: “Mom! Your batwing shawl can actually make you fly!”
I look at him.
Milo: “It does! I mean, it makes you glide a little bit, at least.”
Me: “I’m not sure I want to know how you know that.”
Milo: “Mom, I hope that what happened to Batman’s parents when he was a kid doesn’t happen to you and Dad.”
Me: “Me too, pal. Me too.”
Milo: “Mom, I could kill you. But I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever will.”
Me: “Right back atcha, bud.”
Morris comes running into our upstairs bathroom, where I’ve just stepped out of the shower. “Mom! Stay in here for a long time!”
Me: “I can’t — I need to get dressed.”
Morris: “Okay, but don’t look at me.”
Me: “All right. I won’t look at you.”
Morris: “I’m going to get dressed.”
Me: “Sounds good.”
Morris, whispering: “And I’m going to jump on your bed.”
Me: “Sweetie, you know that if I see you jumping on my bed, I’m going to tell you to stop.”
Morris: “That’s why I told you not to look at me!”
Morris: “Mommy, come here. I want to give you a big kiss. Hee hee hee hee hee.”
Me: “You’re going to lick me, aren’t you?”
Morris. “No! Hee hee hee hee hee! I’m going to kiss you! Hee hee hee hee!”
Me: “I don’t trust you.”
Morris: “I promise! I’m serious mysterious! I’m going to kiss you! Hee hee hee hee hee!”
Me: “… Okay.”
Morris: SLURP.
Me: “Arrrrrrrgh!”
Morris: “HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”
Morris: “Mommy, you want to kill Mary’s little lamb with me?”
Morris: “Mommy, you’re so dumb.”
Me: “Morris! No more calling people dumb — it’s not nice! The next time you do it you get an automatic timeout, do you understand?”
Morris: “Mommy, I forgot that I wanted to say ‘I love you.'”
Morris, standing in the doorway and waving as his grandparents leave to go home after their visit: “Goodbye! I hope you get coal in your stocking!”
Morris: “Mommy, say ‘I don’t love you.'”
Me: “Um, but I–”
Morris: “BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!”
Morris: “Blood is inside you!”
