Morris: “Mommy, I’m glad Daddy’s not dead.”
Me: “Me too, honey.”
Rob: “Me too!”
Morris: “If Daddy died, he would be a zombie.”
Milo: “Yeah, and all he’d ever make for dinner would be brain soup. And we’d be all, ‘bleaaaah!’ whenever he tried to make us eat it.”
Morris: “Brain soup isn’t good for me! I like apple poop. Uh huh! Apple poop is very, VERY good for me.”
Milo comes running into the house. “Mom! Mom! Abby gave me tons of crossbows!”
Me: “Oh, really?”
Milo: “Yeah! Look!” He holds out a large bunch of multicoloured plastic clothes hangers.
Me: “Um, those are hangers.”
Milo: “Well, *I* call them crossbows. Fip–PWING!”
Milo: “Okay mom, I have Flip Bear. You have Ninja Turtle.”
Morris: “Nooooo! I want Ninja Turtle.”
Me: “Sounds like Morris wants it more than I do, Milo.”
Milo, running upstairs. “Okay — I’ll get you something else.” He stops halfway up the stairs. “Mom? Do you want Stabber Bunny?”
Me: “Sure. I’ll take Stabber Bunny.”
Milo: “Actually, his name is Electricity Ear. Because he can shoot bolts of electricity out of his ears. And if he shoots you with them then you’re dead a thousand and a billion times over.”
Me: “Well, okay then.”
Milo, playing with some matching memory cards… “Mom, what’s five plus six?”
Me: “Eleven.”
Milo: “That means I can only use the swimming butterfly card 11 times.”
Me: “Oh? Why?”
Milo: “Because it has triple fire power and is really dangerous so you can only use it in times of emergencies. Blam! Pow!”
Milo: “Mom, these are my three danger cars: Dragon Flash, Bumble Stinger, and Hyper Flash. Dragon Flash is the evil one. VROOOOOM!!!”
Morris: “I hear ambulance! Maybe somebody hurt!”
Milo, showing his clenched fist: “Maybe someone has a hole in them THIS big.”
Me: “How would they get a hole that big in them?”
Milo: “Maybe there was a monster with huge claws and it just went ‘HAAAA!” (stabs imaginary victim) “… and the person went ‘Aaaaagh, I need an ambulance.'”
Me: “Well, that does seem like the likeliest option.”
Morris: “If I take my belly apart, monsters come out my belly. Yeah!”
Milo, talking to himself as he plays with his Playmobil toys:
“Can I touch you with my sword?”
“Okay.”
“Touch.”
“Wham! Blam! Blowee!”
“No fair! I don’t get the crown!”
“Thanks Miss. Oh, wait. I don’t think this fits me.”
“Of course it fits. Duh!”
“I don’t think I need this, Missy.”
“Yes, you do.”
“No, I don’t want a hat. Oh wait, I just remembered, if I don’t have a hat, I die. FOREVER.”
Milo, showing me his latest Tinkertoy invention: “Look, Mom! This wrecker destroyer has SIX zappers on it. So if Morris tries to destroy you again, I can protect you.”
Morris, who had been sitting quietly in my lap, turns and points a Tinkertoy lollipop at my face: “Zap! Zap! Zap! Zap! Zap!”
Milo: “Knock knock.”
Me: “Who’s there?”
Milo: “Zombie.”
Me: “Zombie who?”
Milo: “I’M GOING TO EAT YOUR EYEBALLS AND YOUR BRAINS.”
